I haven't been sleeping well.  I just can't seem to rest.  I have so many things on my mind, so many people to pray for, and then there's that song that just won't leave my brain.  All this contributes to lack of sleep and pure exhaustion during the day.  I know it's God's strength that keeps me going.  I wouldn't be able to move one foot in front of the other right now if it weren't for Him. :) 

It feels like everything is just a blur.  One week from today I will be having surgery, one that hopefully will change my life for the better.  I'm looking forward to all the benefits in the end. I've been struggling on how to deal with the pre-surgery jitters.  I normally would "displace" myself and just withdraw to another "place."  This is how I coped being sexually abused.  I was never "in" the moment.  When I am in excruciating pain, this is how I handle it.  I don't focus on it, but I "go somewhere else"  The trouble with doing that is you lose parts of your memory of the event.  Because you are "displaced" you are not aware fully of what is going on during the pain, etc.  That is my default way to handle it.  The other way would be to stay in the present moment and face it head on, feeling every bit of pain, fear, etc.  I'd like to try this, but it's so easy for me to just "drift off" to somewhere else.  So if you catch me spacing out, it's usually because I'm in some sort of pain....So I'm just not sure.  Not sure if either way is a wrong way.  God made our mind to be a powerful thing. 

I finished up all my applesauce canning for this year.  I didn't really get as much as I thought I would.  A lot of the apples were wormy or just bad.  I don't know how many more canning years I have in me.  It really takes a lot out of me.  I'm pretty much worthless when I'm done and there's always more laundry, dishes, etc to do afterwords.  I enjoy knowing what my family is eating and that I made it, but just not sure how long my body will cooperate. 

Looks like our weather is going to get cooler finally tomorrow, like 80. LOL  I'm ready for some real fall weather and for the leaves to change and fall so I can hear them crunching beneath my feet. Good stuff. :) Give your loved ones a kiss and hug and squeeze them tight.  Let them know just how much you really love them.  They will be blessed for it and so will you. :)


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